The other morning I gave Noah an assignment in two parts. When I came to check I noticed he had done the second part of the assignment first. It did not affect the end result, but I was curious as to why he started on part two first.

So I asked: “Why did you start on the second section instead of the first one?”

He looked at me with big, wide, scared eyes, took what seemed a long time to answer and then said in a quiet, timid voice:

“I don’t know…”

I was taken aback by his reaction because I was not upset or angry that he had started on part two. It really didn’t matter, and I merely wanted to know why. Maybe it was because to my orderly, type A mind starting on the second part of something seems crazy!

But he responded as if he had been caught doing something wrong and terrible.

And I was puzzled.

So, I mentioned it to Matt that night as we were getting ready for bed.

He nodded in sympathetic understanding.

See, Matt and Noah are very similar. In personality assessments they score the same and fall in the same categories.

They are both Nines, if you know anything about Enneagram numbers.

I am a One.

In everything, I am at the other end of the spectrum from them when it comes to personality.

He explained to me that people like him and Noah are peacemakers and don’t like to rock the boat. When they feel they’ve done something wrong, they can become paralyzed with the anxiety of a confrontation.

“But,” I explained trying not to become defensive, “I didn’t ask in an angry way. I just wanted to know why he chose to work as he did.”

“Yes,” he replied, “but when you ask him a ‘why’ question, he will tend to assume you are questioning him because he messed up and he will be filled with concern. I totally get that.”

Oh, great.

I love ‘why’ questions because they get to the heart of a matter quickly and without frills. To me, they are the most direct and shortest route to understanding something. They are efficient.

I like efficient.

“So, what am I supposed to do if I want to understand something he did?!” I asked, feeling annoyed and slightly attacked.

“Well,” Matt started, “you can always try to be direct but in a non-threatening way.”

Yeah. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t even know how I’m being threatening, let alone how NOT to be.

“You could say, for example,” he continued, “Hey, Noah. Great job finishing your work! I noticed you did the second part first and I’m curious as to how you decided to start there?”

I rolled my eyes all the way to China.

“That sounds so fake to me! Not at all like I talk!” I retorted.

“You will get used to it with practice. He needs you to talk like that to not feel intimidated and anxious by your questioning,” Matt explained.

Ugh.

I thought about this a lot.

I mulled it over and chewed on it for a while.

And I’ll be honest, I had a range of emotions.

I felt frustrated that I was being asked to change my way of talking to accommodate someone else’s. After all, this is who I am, take me or leave me. I am too old to change. I’m a direct person. My kids should KNOW I don’t mean to sound harsh.

I felt defeated as a parent trying to raise two children who are so different from me and whom I can’t always understand.  

I felt worried about all the areas in which I may be falling short without even knowing and how they are affecting my kids.

Mom guilt is real, y’all.

Mostly, I felt overwhelmed with it all. I tend to over-analyze things and beat myself up when something is not going well. Also part of my perfectionist personality.

But then as I prayed for wisdom, which as James 1:5 remind us is always promised us if we ask for it, I was also given a few other gifts: humility, understanding, and compassion.

Yes, it will be difficult for me to learn a new way of asking questions and yes, it may feel odd at first. But the practice, the work, are the sacrifice of love I’m making for a child who needs a different approach to communicating with me.

Yes, I am being asked to look at how I speak and have spoken for my whole life, but if I don’t think I have growing to do still, changes I can still make to be a better person, let alone a better parent and wife, I am blind to my own arrogance.

In the end, the rewards of being able to communicate effectively with my son, understanding him and being understood by him, strengthening our relationship in the process, will be infinitely worth the effort of pausing and re-wording my questions and statements.

As for me, God is tremendously kind to talk me off the ledge gently and with much love. He reminds me his grace covers even my worst mistakes as a parent and that He will help me through the process of becoming a better mom, as long as I ask and I am open to his guidance.

It will take me a while to learn a new way of talking to Noah, but I’m willing to try. After all, he is learning from Matt and me how to be a parent. How we respond to our own shortcomings will pave the way for how he responds to his when he becomes a dad.